Please turn in your Bibles this morning to Ephesians chapter 5 as we are in part 2 of our study on The Family Life. This morning we are going to focus on the role of husbands. Men, this is an important lesson for us just as I believe last weeks study was an important lesson for the women. You see, to fireproof your marriage, to protect it from the firestorms that will come your way, you must know what your role is in the family, what God desires of you. And as I said last week, the key for all of us is found in Ephesians 5:21 where Paul tells us, “submitting to one another in the fear of God.” We are to willingly, lovingly place ourselves under the authority of those that God has placed in those positions of authority as Paul tells us in I Corinthians 11:3, “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
When this is done in the fear of God, with respect to God and what He has said, there is a beautiful harmony within the family. Why do we see the family in such a mess today? Because many Christians are not living in fear of God, in respect to what He has said and thus, it can become very ugly in the family. So the key is getting our heart in line with the heart of God and as we do beautiful music will come forth in the family life!
Now to set the stage for what we are going to be looking at this morning, the role of the husband, listen to this article that appeared in The Saturday Evening Post, an article that ran many years ago but is very appropriate even today. I believe the title of the article is “The Seven Ages of the Married Cold.” In this article we are going to track a husband’s reaction to his wife’s colds during the first seven years of their marriage. This is how it went:
THE FIRST YEAR: “Sugar dumpling, I’m worried about my baby girl. You’ve got a bad sniffle, and there’s no telling about these things with all the strep around. I’m putting you in the hospital this afternoon for a general checkup and a good rest. I know the food’s lousy, but I’ll bring your meals in from Rossini’s. I’ve already got it arranged with the floor superintendent.”
THE SECOND YEAR: “Listen, darling, I don’t like the sound of that cough. I’ve called Doc Miller to rush over here. Now, you go to bed like a good girl, please? Just for papa.”
THE THIRD YEAR: “Maybe you’d better lie down, honey; nothing like a little rest when you’re feeling punk. I’ll bring you something to eat. Have we got any soup?”
THE FOURTH YEAR: “Look, dear, be sensible. After you feed the kids and get the dishes washed, you’d better hit the sack.”
THE FIFTH YEAR: “Why don’t you get yourself a couple of aspirin?”
THE SIXTH YEAR: “Why don’t you gargle or something, rather than sitting around barking like a seal!”
THE SEVENTH YEAR: “For Pete’s sake, stop sneezing! What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia?”
Now we can laugh at that but far too often we are guilty of this, our love for our wife should not decrease over time. We may try to deny that but our words and our actions speak differently. Our love for our wife should grow over time, not decrease! It should not stop the moment the pastor signs the marriage certificate! And I do realize we, as men, need lots of help in this area! And the ladies said…”AMEN!” I believe we can all glean some lessons as we go through the Scriptures to help us become better husbands, to make us aware of areas that we may be lacking in, fall short in. With that said, let’s begin reading in Ephesians chapter 5, starting in verse 25 and see what the Lord has for us this morning.
First of all the husband is to lead not lord over his wife and family. It is not a dictator role but a servant leader role. Let me explain what can happen if we are not a servant leader but a dictator. We are told:
Recently I heard Jack Hayford tell about a married couple who had attended a seminar taught by one of those male demagogues determined to show that Scripture teaches that the man is IN CHARGE at home. It was the kind of terrible teaching on submission that turns women into lowly doormats. Well, the husband just loved it! He had never heard anything like that in his life, and he drank it all in. His wife, however, sat there fuming as she listened to hour after hour of this stuff.
When they left the meeting that night, the husband felt drunk with fresh power as he climbed into the car. While driving home, he said rather pompously, “Well, what did you think about that?” His wife didn’t even utter a word, so he continued, “I think it was great!”
When they arrived home, she got out and followed him silently into the house. Once inside, he slammed the door and said, “Wait right there – just stand right there.” She stood, tight-lipped, and stared at him. “I’ve been thinking about what the fellow said tonight, and I want you to know that from now on that’s the way it’s gonna be around here. You got it? That’s the way things are gonna run in this house!”
And having said that, he didn’t see her for two weeks. After two weeks, he could start to see her just a little bit out of one eye.
- Chuck Swindoll
Men, we need to remember that we are in submission to the Lord and His example to us is this, as He said in Mark 10:45, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Thus, there is no room to be king of the castle and your wife to be your salve. We are to be servant leaders in the family, and that is often lacking today.
As we read through these verses here in Ephesians chapter 5 there are several things that we, as husbands can glean, learn and apply to our lives. With the remainder of our time this morning we are going to look at them.
1. WE ARE TO LOVE OUR WIVES – EPHESIANS
5:25
Paul says that husbands are to “love your wives.” The Greek word that Paul uses for “love” is AGAPAO (ag-ap-ah’-o) and it speaks of sacrificial love, unconditional love. That is how we are to love our wives, not expecting to get anything in return but just giving of ourselves to them. Today we give of ourselves to get something in return, but God has called us to a higher standard of love, one that gives freely. It is a love that is expressed by Paul in I Corinthians 13:4-8a as he says, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . .”
In Song of Solomon 2:6 we are told, “His left hand is under my head, And his right hand embraces me.” Notice the intimacy, the close contact – he holds her close, he comforts her, he loves her. It seems that she may be down, discouraged, maybe exhausted from working, maybe insecure about her looks and Solomon takes her head so gently and lifts it up, showing his love for her. Think of it like this, as he lifts her head and their eyes meet, her discouragement turns into encouragement. Her exhaustion is replaced with rest. She finds security in his love. Did Solomon have to love her like this? Not at all but he chose to and he saw a need and satisfied that need! When my wife is down, maybe discouraged, I like to tell her, “Honey, why are you down? Why are you so depressed? Am I not better than 10 sons?” Kind of an Elkanah mentality! It may not help but it does make her laugh!
We not only need to give our wives that emotional love, that emotional support, but they also need our physical love. Now I know some are uncomfortable with this, but understand that Paul tells us in Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Folks, physical love is a part of marriage and God has given it to us to enjoy.
Listen to what Solomon says about his wife in Song of Solomon 7:1-9. We are told, “How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince's daughter! The curves of your thighs are like jewels, The work of the hands of a skillful workman. Your navel is a rounded goblet; It lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat Set about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, Twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower, Your eyes like the pools in Heshbon By the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon Which looks toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, And the hair of your head is like purple; A king is held captive by your tresses. How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights! This stature of yours is like a palm tree, And your breasts like its clusters. I said, ‘I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches.’ Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, The fragrance of your breath like apples, And the roof of your mouth like the best wine.”
Now if you came home from work talking to your wife like that she might think you were nuts! Is it so rare that she would be calling the alien abduction hot-line thinking her husband has been replaced by some strange being? Why is that? Maybe because you don’t speak to your wife like that, letting her know how you feel about her. Don’t tell her that her nose looks like the tower of Lebanon, but express to her that she is beautiful and that you are attracted to her. Isn’t that the reason you went out with her in the first place – you were attracted to her and then that love grew richer and deeper over time? Of course it was!
2. WE ARE TO LOVE OUR WIVES WILLINGLY –
EPHESIANS 5:25
Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:25, “Christ also loved the church.” Jesus Christ willingly emptied Himself of some of His Godly attributes when He became flesh and dwelt among us because He loves us that much – He willingly gave of Himself for us! Men, we are to love our wives willingly!
Again, listen to what Solomon says to his beloved wife in Song of Solomon 4:9-11, “You have ravished my heart, My sister, my spouse; You have ravished my heart With one look of your eyes, With one link of your necklace. How fair is your love, My sister, my spouse! How much better than wine is your love, And the scent of your perfumes Than all spices! Your lips, O my spouse, Drip as the honeycomb; Honey and milk are under your tongue; And the fragrance of your garments Is like the fragrance of Lebanon.” You see, he willingly loved his wife and showed her that love.
In I John 4:10 we are told, “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” You see, God is the initiator of love, and men, we need to follow His example for us in this marriage relationship and freely, willingly love our wives, be the initiator of that love.
There are tragic consequences when we neglect our responsibility. Let me give you one example that happened during a Sunday morning service. The pastor suggested to the people in the congregation to hug the person next to them. After the service he was handed this anonymous note, which read: “My husband did as you suggested and hugged the person next to him. We sleep in the same bed, and until that hug this morning, we have had no physical contact in three months.”
If you have let your marriage get to that point men, you need to repent, and as strange or as hard as it may be to express yourself, freely, willingly tell your wife how much you love her, and show her how much you love her. Be the initiator of that love because if you don’t, you may find yourself so busy that you will be like this man, Dr. Christian Barnard, and this is truly a sad story of a great man, but it does happen over and over again and we need to learn the lesson men.
Dr. Christian Barnard was a South African Heart surgeon who won international fame by performing the first successful heart transplant. As famous as this man was, as dedicated to his work as he was, his life seemed empty when he looked back upon it. Thus, out of that emptiness, he wrote a book entitled, “One Life.” This is what he had to say:
It was a bright April morning when I drove out of Minneapolis. It seemed like a century since I first arrived there. A time longer than all the years before it. In New York I put the car on a boat and caught a plane for Capetown.
A Northwest wind was blowing and we came over the sea with the waves close below. My wife was there with the children. I’d not written much in the last two months, yet I was unprepared for her greeting. “Why did you come?” There was no longer a smile in her eyes. Oh God, I thought, I have made the most terrible mistake of my life.
“Don’t look so surprised!” she said. “We gave you up. We decided that you were never coming back.”
I replied, “It was only a little delay. I wrote you April the first.”
“No, you wrote once saying you weren’t coming home,” she said.
“We were building valves, aortic heart valves,” I answered.
“No, you were building a family. That is, you were, until you dumped it in my lap,” she said bitterly. “We have ceased to exist for you.”
I wanted to say I came home because I love my children and I thought I loved her. I wanted to come home, because I felt it, but what could I say? Now that sounded meaningless. It began to rain. The city was gray under a gray sky. It was winter in Capetown, but in Minneapolis the trees were splashy bright green. How was it possible to lose a whole springtime?
- Dr. Christian Barnard, One Life
Dr. Barnard was successful in the eyes of the world, but a failure with his family and in his own eyes. Christian Barnard gained the whole world, but lost his family! Make your spouse the number one priority in your life, second only to your walk with the Lord. In the end, nothing else will really matter, as Dr. Barnard found out. Be the initiator of love!
3. WE ARE TO LOVE OUR WIVES SACRIFICIALLY
– EPHESIANS 5:25
Paul again tells us in Ephesians 5:25, “gave Himself for her.” Do you see the picture that Paul is painting for us? Christ’s love for the church was sacrificial and not based upon our deserving it. We were still sinners, stiff-necked and living in rebellion when Christ died for us!
Today, when we think of love it is based upon feelings but that is not the kind of love God is speaking of. Love is not a feeling but an act of your will. It is action on your part. In John 3:16 we see this played out, this kind of love, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
Folks, you may not agree with me on this, but here me out. If you try to love your wife based only on feelings, your marriage is going to be in trouble! “How can you say that?” Simply, there are going to be times in your marriage when you are not going to feel like loving your wife, freely giving to her what she needs. The thing is, if you want to love your wife as God commands you, then you must first crucify your flesh, that life that is consumed with self and then, as you do, you will sacrificially give her the love she needs, not necessarily because she deserves it 100% of the time, but as Christ has loved us sacrificially, and we miss the mark far often, we will do the same for our wives.
I like the way Solomon’s wife put it in Song of Solomon 2:4, “He brought me to the banqueting house, And his banner over me was love.” What do you do with a banner? You put it on display for all to see! Thus, Solomon’s love for his bride was displayed for all to see as he took this farm girl and placed her in the royal house. You see, no one could miss how much he loved her for he displayed his love like a banner for all to see!
I’m sure I am going to get myself in trouble for this one, but I will say it anyway. Men, how do you show your love for your wife, sacrificially? Are you willing to sacrifice by putting your words into action? Will you watch the kids so she can go to women’s Bible study? Will you skip a night out with the guys, a golf outing so she can go to a women’s retreat? Will you clean the house so she can go out with the girls?
Maybe you are just too tired to do that but doesn’t sacrifice cost something? Of course it does, look at the sacrifice that Jesus made for us! Why did He do it? Because there was a need, because He loves us, because He was fulfilling the will of the Father! We should do no less for our wives; she is the King’s daughter you know!
4. WE ARE TO LOVE OUR WIVES PRACTICALLY
– EPHESIANS 5:26-28
Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:26-28, “that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.”
The Lord has drawn us close to Him, He is making us like Him, He is making us holy. As the spiritual leader of the family, husbands are to love their wives so that they may draw closer to the Lord. This is done through Bible studies, retreats, in the home itself as you study and pray together, as you give her time to be with the Lord and by being an example to her.
Also, on a practical level, we are to care for our wives as we do our own bodies. We are to meet her needs as we meet our own needs. How is this done?
Listen to what Solomon tells us in Song of Solomon 1:9-10, “I have compared you, my love, To my filly among Pharaoh's chariots. Your cheeks are lovely with ornaments, Your neck with chains of gold.” Now please, don’t go home and call your wife Mr. Ed. During Solomon’s day it must have been a term of great affection comparing your wife to your filly! Not so today! In Song of Solomon 2:2 we are told, “Like a lily among thorns, So is my love among the daughters.” What’s the point? He is saying that his wife is one in a million! She needs to know that men!
When Julie and I started dating each other, over 26 years ago, we had pet names for each other. She would call me “Pudge” and I would call her “Sunshine.” We still use those names after all these years and they are still special to us, it shows me and I am showing my wife that she is important, she is one in a million. When one of us goes out of town, we leave notes for each other, love notes, either in the suitcase or under the pillow for us to find, again, it just shows we love each other! Guys, when was the last time you communicated to your wife that she is one in a million, that she is that special to you? She needs to hear that!
Here again I am going to be in trouble with about 50% of you. Guys, when was the last time you dated you wife? When was the last time you sent her flowers? When was the last time you brought her a box of candy? When you were dating you did that all the time but now you don’t, why? When she walked down the aisle to meet you at the altar on your wedding day do you remember how you felt? What happened since that time?
How did Solomon’s wife respond to all this affection she was receiving? She tells us in Song of Solomon 2:3, “Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods, So is my beloved among the sons. I sat down in his shade with great delight, And his fruit was sweet to my taste.” He was a special person, unique as finding fruit bearing trees in the forest you might say. She found contentment as she rested in him, her needs were met, she enjoyed being with him. You need to communicate to your wife that you love her with not only words, but with action. Take the time to date each other, spend time together, it is important for your relationship to grow. You wined and dined her before you were married; don’t stop now that you are married!
Folks, it is important to keep that relationship growing, you must work at it. I like the way Sam Livinson put it regarding lasting love. He said, “Love at first sight is nothing special. It’s when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle.” Maybe not a miracle, it just takes submitting to the Lord and His will!
5. OUR LOVE MUST BE UNCONDITIONAL –
EPHESIANS 5:28-29
Paul tells us that our love for our wife must be unconditional, he says, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” Paul’s point is simple; you take care of your own body, take care of your wife also, noting less!
Look at it like this. When your wife realizes that there is nothing more she could do to earn your love, there is nothing she could do to cause you to love her less, it takes the pressure off of her and she is free to do her best without fear of failing or falling short.
Is our relationship with God based upon our performance? Of course not, if it were we would be in trouble. Thus, don’t put that kind of pressure on your wife to be something that you yourself can’t be before God! Your love needs to be unconditional and she needs to know that!
Now what happens if we refuse to listen to God, to obey His command for us as husbands? One of the things that can happen, besides a family life that is a mess, is what Peter tells us in I Peter 3:7, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” Your disobedience to God is like a giant dam blocking your prayers from reaching the ears of God. You can break that dam up, blow it to pieces by simply obeying God’s role for your life as a husband, be kind to your wife and treat her as the King’s daughter, for she is!
And please understand this, the unsaved world won’t understand and they will have no desire to live like this because they don’t have a relationship with God and thus, they are not empowered by His Spirit to live like this, but we are if we are willing to surrender! They may want the love they see in our marriages but they are not willing to surrender to the Lord and they will never fully experience it until they do!
You see, Paul, in Ephesians chapter 5 began this whole section on marriage, on relationships, by telling us to be continually being filled, directed, and guided by the Holy Spirit. And this is done as we put ourselves under the authority of God, that this relationship is the priority in our life, and then our wives, and we are somewhere farther down on that list. If you are struggling in your marriage, ask God to help, and by His Spirit you will have the marriage that grows and deepens, one that will mature!
If we love our wives with that AGAPAO love of God. If we love our wives willingly, as Christ loves the church. If we love our wives sacrificially, as Christ gave Himself for the church. If we love our wives practically, pointing her to Christ and giving her the time to grow in the Lord, loving her as we love our own bodies. If we love our wives unconditionally as God loves us. Then she will blossom and grow like a beautiful rose. You see, a rose does not grow through pressure; but by loving, nurturing and caring. And the same is true for our wives.
Next week we will look at the role of the child within the family unit and how important marriage is to a family and to society in general!
Let me leave you this morning with these words from John Chrysostom, who was a 4th century theologian. The words he spoke back then are very applicable to our lives today. He said:
“Do you want your wife to obey you as the church obeys Christ? Then care for her as Christ cares for the church. If it be needful that you should give your life for her or be cut to pieces a thousand times or endure anything, don’t refuse it. Christ brought the church to His feet by His great care, not by threats or fear. So conduct yourself toward your wife in a like manner.”